My dad and stepmom are coming to visit this summer. It's their first trip to Europe so they have been asking about places to go. My stepmom asked about Paris and Rome. My dad asked about Amsterdam.
"How was Amsterdam? Did you see any windmills?" my dad asked.
"Um no, but I saw a lot of hookers and weed," I replied.
"Oh, that sounds great!" he said as he laughed so hard he struggled for air.
(Before I continue, let me tell you about my dad. I call him Bill. Bill is a business man, a Republican and a golfer. He's a business suit during the week and khaki pants on the weekend type of guy. I think I have seen him drink two times and have only heard him swear when he stubs his toe. It's kind of funny. He jumps around and turns red.)
Anyway, it is completely natural for my stepmom to ask about Paris and Rome. But why would Bill ask about Amsterdam? I'll tell you why...because Bill wants to party.
They asked me to email them a list of things to do and places to go.
This was my email to my dad:
Hi Bill,
As requested, I made a list for you of things to do and see in Amsterdam. I hope you like it.
This is Bill's "How to party and not get arrested in A'dam" List:
1. Visit a coffeeshop.
I'm not talking Starbucks, kid. This is where you go to get high. Go to the Greenhouse. There's a bunch of closet hippies there just like yourself. Remember, almost everything is legal in Amsterdam so have fun. And don't worry, you're not going to be "the old guy." There were people in their mid 20's to mid 70's there. I even saw some puffy white hair at one table. I suggest you make some friends at the coffeeshop then go for a scavengure hunt for this wall. I promise this bird will speak to you with a British accent.
2. Check out a smartshop.
This is not a book store. Think of it more like a gift and garden shop. They sell gifts, magic mushrooms from all over the world and kits to grow...plants. You know what I'm talking about Bill. You went through the 70's.
3. Steal a bike.
There are plenty to choose from and it's the best way to see the city. I like the yellow one. (On second thought, this might be one of the few things that's actually illegal in Holland. So, scratch that.)
4. Find a sex shop.
They are all over the place. The best one's are the gay sex shops. It's amazing what they can do with leather. You'll stand there and think, "Whoa, where does that go?" (Sorry Bill, they wouldn't let me take pictures in the gay leather sex shop for you. You'll just have to settle for a photo the creative condom shop. Check out the condom on the bottom with the spikes. Winner!)
5. High 5 a hooker.
It's €50 for 15 minutes of High 5's...or anything else you want to do, like playing Scrabble or whatever. Or you can just walk around the district and window shop. I took an "under cover" Red Light District tour. It was fantastic. I learned all about the prostitution business and where to find the live sex shows. I'm an A'dam hooker specialist now thanks to this tour. If you want to be a hooker specialist too, check out randyroysredlightdistricttours.com. It's a good time.
6. Don't forget to eat.
Waffles from a vending machine are always interesting. But if you want real food, the Indonesian food was really good. Go to Kantjil & de Tijger. Yelp it: http://www.yelp.com/biz/kantjil-and-de-tijger-amsterdam
7. Find a good place to sleep.
After all the Scrabble action, you're going to need your beauty sleep Bill. I suggest a bed and breakfast. Check amsterdam-bed-and-breakfasts.com and weekendhotel.nl for the best ones. Look for places in the Centrum. Then everything is walking distance and you won't have to steal any bikes.
Well, that's it for now Bill. If I think if anything else, I'll let you know. Have fun...sinner. Love you!
Xoxo,
Your kid
**I will have my dad keep track where they go and what they do. Then I'll have him make his own list. Ha! I'll keep you guys posted.
