Richard comes to Germany!

 3 pm: Richard and Tommy go to the carnival parade.

4 pm: Richard finds some fake Mexicans.

5 pm: Richard high fives the Easter Bunny.

6 pm: Richard does some shots with the Mayor.

8 pm: Richard is down. Jet lag is a bitch. Haha!

I had to take my sister (I call her Richard) back to the airport today. Richard was here visiting me for the last week and it has been a riot. Hanging with her is always an adventure and I have not laughed that hard in a while. I miss her. It was hard to say goodbye and I didn't think I would be this sad, but I am. Honestly, I have been in tears since I hugged and kissed her goodbye this morning.

I thought maybe if I wrote about the funny things that happened I wouldn't be so sad. So I made a list of the top 10 Richard quotes from this trip:

1. "Dude, how do you open this window?.....Oh shit, did I break it?....Sorry man." (The windows here have weird handles on them and open like a refrigerator door.)

2. "Where in the hell is the light switch? I can't find it."...as she slaps the bathroom walls in the dark. (The light switches are on the outside of the rooms here.)

3. "I have to pay 50 cents to use the public bathroom? Dude, can the bathroom lady break a 20? I gotta pee."

4. "They don't have toilet seat covers or paper towels in the restrooms? Well maybe that's just a California thing. They don't have toilet seat covers in Wisconsin either."

5. "Did they just ask if I wanted mayonnaise on my fries? Hell yeah! How do you say that in German?"

6. "It's legal to drink in the streets!? For real? Dang, let's pack some beer next time. Or we can tailgate at the grocery store, bump some music and call it a good time."

7. "That pretzel is bigger than my head."

8. "You guys hall ass over here." -talking about driving on the Autobahn.

9. "What is going on? I don't understand. Everyone is drunk in the street and it's only 3 pm." - at the street parade.

10. "I have no idea what he is saying so I am just going to smile and say, 'Ja'." - as she smiles and nods to the German guy who is trying to buy her a drink.

Thanks for a great time Richard. I love you man. I miss you already.

Love,
Tommy

Happy Valentines Day...or not?

I took this picture in Munich. Kissing, Ja! Smoking, No!

Today I would like to inform you about some bullshit that's going on over here. They don't celebrate Valentine's Day in Germany. Supposedly it's an American holiday. That's right...there aren't any glittery heart shaped cards or heart shaped cookies with pink frosting. (They don't even know what frosting is!) AND...You can forget about getting flowers, chocolate or even a good bottle of wine. Even a romantic dinner in an over crowded restaurant is crazy talk. THAT is some bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit...the end.

P.S. Happy Valentine's Day to the Americans. And a happy normal Monday to the Germans.

P.P.S. To my German girls: It's time to start the Valentine's Day revolution. I need some damn chocolate and some new crotchless panties. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

Yay for Naked Day!

Today my German boy asked me if I would like to visit, "The Sauna." My reply was, "Hell yeah, I have been freezing my balls off over here. Let's do it."

So coming from California I expected something like a day spa. Maybe like a Glen Ivy or a Burke Williams. You know the type of place where you walk around in bathing suits and go from the jacuzzi to the sauna, to the shower and back. I was expecting a drink some herbal tea and put cucumbers on my eyes kind of day. The one thing I forgot, I wasn't in California.

As we arrived to the day spa we were given robes and led into a unisex locker room. We changed into our robes and walked into the day spa area. Butt cheeks and hairy balls were everywhere. It was like a naked Disneyland. There were two floors of different types of saunas, steam rooms, salt rooms, aromatherapy rooms, sleep rooms and jacuzzis. There was a bar and restaurant as well as an upper patio deck and outside swimming pools.

We walked outside (it was 30 degrees today) to see the pool and the other saunas. Men and women of all ages were frolicking about...butt ass naked. Some were swimming in the pool. Some were in the jacuzzi. Some were walking to little wood cabin saunas around the pool. Some were on the upper patio deck drinking beer. The only words that came from my mouth were, "You gotta be fucking kidding me."

So just like everyone else, I hung my robe and went for it. I could not believe I was walking outside in 30 degree weather in the nude. I jumped in the pool and screamed when my skin touched the water. (I don't think you're supposed to scream when people are naked. It's alarming.) My German boy just laughed and held me. My nipples could cut glass but it was liberating. It was actually really nice to swim and walk around in the nude without anyone caring and without getting a ticket. I wondered why we didn't have places like that in the States. I think Americans would love it. I did.
 
P.S. This is interesting: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sauna

Insight #2: Remember to wear your good underwear.

I had my first doctor's appointment this week. (Mom if you're reading this, I'm fine...and no, I didn't get knocked up.) I just went to get my annual girl check up. You know, the annual pee in a cup, step on the scale, let's check your blood pressure, scoot down further, this is going to be a little cold, wow that's a lot of lube day.

Well the doctors do things a little bit different here. There was no peeing in a cup or stepping on a scale. There wasn't a nice wax paper covered bed or a flowered hospital gown to put on. I was just asked to come in and sit on this dentist looking chair without the bottom leg rest part. All I was thinking was, "Ok, how is this going to work?"

As I sat in the chair, the nurse took my blood pressure and the doctor began to ask me the normal questions.

The doctor: Why are you here? Do you have any health problems?

Me: No, I don't have any health problems. I am just here for my annual lube day.

The doctor: (Blinked a couple of times and stared at the clipboard.)

Me: I was just joking. I need the annual Pap and some pills.

The doctor: Oh ok...then go ahead and take off your clothes.

Me: Ok. Right now?

The doctor: Yes.

Me: Ummmm...now? (I stood up and was still waiting for the doctor and nurse to leave the room so I could change, put on the hospital gown and cover up with a sheet. They weren't budging.)

The doctor: Yes, you can take off your pants off first. Then your shirt.

Me: Well you could at least take me to dinner first.

The doctor: You are hungry?

Me: No. I was joking. Ok, I'll take my clothes off now.

So there I was...exposed. No hospital gown. No little blanket. Not even a comforting sheet or a piece of wax paper. It was just me, the doctor, the nurse and the lube. They were professional and respectful. I just felt weird being balls out in front of them. But had to remember where I was and that was normal for them.

I sat back down on the chair and waited for the doctor to pull up a stool too. I heard a soft buzzing noise and realized my weird dentist chair was being raised up. The doctor still didn't have a stool. My chair kept going higher and higher until my nana was at eye level with the doctor. So not only was I butt naked but I was also six feet in the air. All I could do was laugh.

I left the doctor's office still laughing and thinking, "Whoa, that's one I have to write about." I can honestly say that was my first experience of culture shock. I know Europe is more liberal but I didn't see that one coming. Later I started to wonder if I was modest or if I was just American.

Dang, the Germans don't mess around.

Ok, I have heard about this before but never believed it. It's true, Germany has two Santas.

There is a good Santa and a bad Santa. The good Santa (the guy in red) is named St. Nikolaus. He's the one that comes and gives gifts to all the good kids. The bad Santa (the guy in brown with the crazy look in his eye) is named Knecht Ruprecht. Knecht Ruprecht is Nikolaus' helper. If any of the kids are bad, he takes them out into the street and beats them. Yes, you read that right. Santa will kick your ass if you are bad. So you can image, all the kids are very good over here around Christmas. (Ha! I'm glad I grew up in America where Santa's helpers were just nice little elves making toys for us. I probably would have got the beat down if I grew up in Europe.)

Also, did you know that Santa doesn't deliver gifts to everyone on December 24th? Remind me to tell that to my mom. That was her excuse to make me ask Santa for a smaller gift. She said, "Santa has to carry gifts for kids all over the world, so you should ask for something smaller than a pony." I just found out that is some bullshit. Santa comes to Germany on December 6th. I could have asked for pony, damn it. I am calling my mom.

P.S. If you want to read more about Knecht Ruprecht (I know you do) check out this link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knecht_Ruprecht

P.S.S. The German sitting next me is suggesting I put in the phonetic pronunciation for Knecht Ruprecht for you. So here you go: (k-nesht roo-presht). You're welcome.

Insight #1: The Europeans actually like us.*

Yes, they really do like us...*(if you don't fall into the "Stupid, self centered American" category.)

I know what you're thinking: "What the hell does that mean!? Is she calling me stupid and self centered? What a hoebag."

Easy tiger, that's just the stereotype. And I'm just trying to help. Let's face it, we have a bad rap. Unfortunately we have the reputation for dressing flashy and lacking knowledge of geography, world politics and current events. We Americans also like to assume everyone in the world speaks English. They don't.

I have come up with a few tips on how to make some Euro friends and NOT to fall into the "Stupid, self centered American" category:

Tip #1- Dress code: Don't dress like you're in Vegas. Vegas is Vegas, period. Europe is well...Europe. Leave your stilettos and Bon Qui Qui hoop earrings at home bitches. Ghetto fabulous is not in style over here and they only have stone roads. Hooker heals and stone roads don't mix. Trust me on this one. (My ankle still hurts. Haha!)

Tip #2- Geopraphy: Look at a map so you know a few more cities other than London, Paris and Amsterdam. (You sinner.) And be able to actually point the cities and maybe even a few countries out on the map. You'll be surprised and think, "Wow, I didn't know Sweden was so big. Shit, I thought it was only the size of one Ikea."

Tip #3- Politics: Brush up on your politics and current world events. I know watching the Guidos on MTV is much more exciting (it's T-shirt timmme!). But the first thing you will get asked over here is what do you think of Obama and his foreign policy. If you say, " Umm yeah, Obama is cool," and end it there you've lost all respect and you fall into the stupid American category. Read online newspapers or watch some BBC World News before you go skipping around the world.

Tip #4- Language: Pick up a language book that comes with a CD. The Berlitz books are good. You can find them on Amazon for 15 bucks. Listen and learn how to say a few words. Your efforts will go a long way. You might even get a free beer. Either way, you'll make friends with the locals. The best phrases to know are: "Please, thank you, where are the restrooms and yes I am from Canada."

Well you see, what happened was...

I am not a writer. I'm just a kid from Orange County, CA. I lived in my slip-on Vans and flip flops all year round. I ate tacos at midnight and cured a hangover with Sunday Funday.
This year I did something crazy and moved my ass to Europe. Yeah, we're not in fucking Kansas anymore Toto. Funny things have happen so I decided to blog about it.