"Loca People" a.k.a. The WTF Song

I love all types of music. I especially love songs that talk about Spain and calling Johnny. Thank you French radio station for introducing this song to me today. The lyrics are brilliant.
*Side note: Mom, I don't think you are going to like this one.

Really?

Dear Singapore Airlines,
I'm looking for a flight from Frankfurt to LA for a summer trip back home. I noticed you had a special offer on an economy flight. It was only €18,098. That's about $25,000 for one flight. I'm loaded so that sounds reasonable.

I made a list of things I would like included in that price:

1. I get to hang out with the pilot and then fly the plane.
2. Free drinks...for the whole 33 hours and 55 minutes.
3. A fire dancer show will take place in First Class followed by a live band.
4. Hookers and cookies for everyone!
5. I get to inflate a life vest whenever I want. And blow the whistle.
6. I get to parachute out of the back of the plane.


Thanks and see you in June,
Sar

P.S. How much would it be to upgrade to first class? I want to get a good seat for the fire show.

We're not assholes, I promise.

So where do I begin?
Let's start with the current events.

Two days ago, our 7 year old and I were watching the morning news. There were live videos of Americans in NY and Washington D.C. yelling and chanting. Some were holding flags. Some were holding signs. Some were singing. The first question that came from our 7 year old was, " Wow, what's happening in America? Did they win a big game?" The only way I could answer that was, "Yeah, you could say that." Then he read the headline, "Bin Laden Dead." The next question was, "Why are they happy someone died?"

I sat there for a minute in silence wondering how I was going to explain that to a 7 year old. Then I sat there for another minute wondering how I was going to explain that to my European friends without sounding like an asshole.

So here it goes. Let's start with the American culture. Americans are patriotic and emotional and we are not afraid to show it. Patriotism is promoted and encouraged in the United States. It is also socially acceptable to show how you feel. The only time the Europeans are allowed to be patriotic and emotional is if their football team makes it to the World Cup finals. Really, that is the only time you will see national flags over here.

Please remember our past. Everyone has experienced a death but not everyone had experienced tragedy. New York and Washington D.C. have experienced tragedy. Even if you were not living in one of these cities, your life as an American was affected. Our lives changed. It was a very sad and uncertain time. Everyone knew someone in NY or DC who's mother, father, brother, sister or friend died in the attacks. Everyone knew someone who was getting sent off to the Middle East to fight. We were afraid to travel and security procedures became a pain in the ass. We were afraid of a military draft and color coded security alerts. Just like a good horror movie, the scariest part was the anticipation of what was going to happen next. We were all left wondering what would really happen next?

So what did happen? Two presidents and two wars later, the promise was kept to the Americans that Bin Laden would be found. That's why we were celebrating. The promise was kept.

A part of me is happy Bin Laden is gone and I want to sing, "America, fuck yeah!" There is another part of me that sad because it brings back the painful memories of our past. And then there is a part of me that worries and wonders what will happen next?

Oh yeah...and to my European friends, we're really not assholes. I promise.

Richard comes to Germany!

 3 pm: Richard and Tommy go to the carnival parade.

4 pm: Richard finds some fake Mexicans.

5 pm: Richard high fives the Easter Bunny.

6 pm: Richard does some shots with the Mayor.

8 pm: Richard is down. Jet lag is a bitch. Haha!

I had to take my sister (I call her Richard) back to the airport today. Richard was here visiting me for the last week and it has been a riot. Hanging with her is always an adventure and I have not laughed that hard in a while. I miss her. It was hard to say goodbye and I didn't think I would be this sad, but I am. Honestly, I have been in tears since I hugged and kissed her goodbye this morning.

I thought maybe if I wrote about the funny things that happened I wouldn't be so sad. So I made a list of the top 10 Richard quotes from this trip:

1. "Dude, how do you open this window?.....Oh shit, did I break it?....Sorry man." (The windows here have weird handles on them and open like a refrigerator door.)

2. "Where in the hell is the light switch? I can't find it."...as she slaps the bathroom walls in the dark. (The light switches are on the outside of the rooms here.)

3. "I have to pay 50 cents to use the public bathroom? Dude, can the bathroom lady break a 20? I gotta pee."

4. "They don't have toilet seat covers or paper towels in the restrooms? Well maybe that's just a California thing. They don't have toilet seat covers in Wisconsin either."

5. "Did they just ask if I wanted mayonnaise on my fries? Hell yeah! How do you say that in German?"

6. "It's legal to drink in the streets!? For real? Dang, let's pack some beer next time. Or we can tailgate at the grocery store, bump some music and call it a good time."

7. "That pretzel is bigger than my head."

8. "You guys hall ass over here." -talking about driving on the Autobahn.

9. "What is going on? I don't understand. Everyone is drunk in the street and it's only 3 pm." - at the street parade.

10. "I have no idea what he is saying so I am just going to smile and say, 'Ja'." - as she smiles and nods to the German guy who is trying to buy her a drink.

Thanks for a great time Richard. I love you man. I miss you already.

Love,
Tommy

Happy Valentines Day...or not?

I took this picture in Munich. Kissing, Ja! Smoking, No!

Today I would like to inform you about some bullshit that's going on over here. They don't celebrate Valentine's Day in Germany. Supposedly it's an American holiday. That's right...there aren't any glittery heart shaped cards or heart shaped cookies with pink frosting. (They don't even know what frosting is!) AND...You can forget about getting flowers, chocolate or even a good bottle of wine. Even a romantic dinner in an over crowded restaurant is crazy talk. THAT is some bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit...the end.

P.S. Happy Valentine's Day to the Americans. And a happy normal Monday to the Germans.

P.P.S. To my German girls: It's time to start the Valentine's Day revolution. I need some damn chocolate and some new crotchless panties. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

Yay for Naked Day!

Today my German boy asked me if I would like to visit, "The Sauna." My reply was, "Hell yeah, I have been freezing my balls off over here. Let's do it."

So coming from California I expected something like a day spa. Maybe like a Glen Ivy or a Burke Williams. You know the type of place where you walk around in bathing suits and go from the jacuzzi to the sauna, to the shower and back. I was expecting a drink some herbal tea and put cucumbers on my eyes kind of day. The one thing I forgot, I wasn't in California.

As we arrived to the day spa we were given robes and led into a unisex locker room. We changed into our robes and walked into the day spa area. Butt cheeks and hairy balls were everywhere. It was like a naked Disneyland. There were two floors of different types of saunas, steam rooms, salt rooms, aromatherapy rooms, sleep rooms and jacuzzis. There was a bar and restaurant as well as an upper patio deck and outside swimming pools.

We walked outside (it was 30 degrees today) to see the pool and the other saunas. Men and women of all ages were frolicking about...butt ass naked. Some were swimming in the pool. Some were in the jacuzzi. Some were walking to little wood cabin saunas around the pool. Some were on the upper patio deck drinking beer. The only words that came from my mouth were, "You gotta be fucking kidding me."

So just like everyone else, I hung my robe and went for it. I could not believe I was walking outside in 30 degree weather in the nude. I jumped in the pool and screamed when my skin touched the water. (I don't think you're supposed to scream when people are naked. It's alarming.) My German boy just laughed and held me. My nipples could cut glass but it was liberating. It was actually really nice to swim and walk around in the nude without anyone caring and without getting a ticket. I wondered why we didn't have places like that in the States. I think Americans would love it. I did.
 
P.S. This is interesting: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sauna

Insight #2: Remember to wear your good underwear.

I had my first doctor's appointment this week. (Mom if you're reading this, I'm fine...and no, I didn't get knocked up.) I just went to get my annual girl check up. You know, the annual pee in a cup, step on the scale, let's check your blood pressure, scoot down further, this is going to be a little cold, wow that's a lot of lube day.

Well the doctors do things a little bit different here. There was no peeing in a cup or stepping on a scale. There wasn't a nice wax paper covered bed or a flowered hospital gown to put on. I was just asked to come in and sit on this dentist looking chair without the bottom leg rest part. All I was thinking was, "Ok, how is this going to work?"

As I sat in the chair, the nurse took my blood pressure and the doctor began to ask me the normal questions.

The doctor: Why are you here? Do you have any health problems?

Me: No, I don't have any health problems. I am just here for my annual lube day.

The doctor: (Blinked a couple of times and stared at the clipboard.)

Me: I was just joking. I need the annual Pap and some pills.

The doctor: Oh ok...then go ahead and take off your clothes.

Me: Ok. Right now?

The doctor: Yes.

Me: Ummmm...now? (I stood up and was still waiting for the doctor and nurse to leave the room so I could change, put on the hospital gown and cover up with a sheet. They weren't budging.)

The doctor: Yes, you can take off your pants off first. Then your shirt.

Me: Well you could at least take me to dinner first.

The doctor: You are hungry?

Me: No. I was joking. Ok, I'll take my clothes off now.

So there I was...exposed. No hospital gown. No little blanket. Not even a comforting sheet or a piece of wax paper. It was just me, the doctor, the nurse and the lube. They were professional and respectful. I just felt weird being balls out in front of them. But had to remember where I was and that was normal for them.

I sat back down on the chair and waited for the doctor to pull up a stool too. I heard a soft buzzing noise and realized my weird dentist chair was being raised up. The doctor still didn't have a stool. My chair kept going higher and higher until my nana was at eye level with the doctor. So not only was I butt naked but I was also six feet in the air. All I could do was laugh.

I left the doctor's office still laughing and thinking, "Whoa, that's one I have to write about." I can honestly say that was my first experience of culture shock. I know Europe is more liberal but I didn't see that one coming. Later I started to wonder if I was modest or if I was just American.