Don't tell anybody...but I moved back.

I’m not surviving Europe anymore. It’s in the past tense now. You could say I survived Europe.

I have been back for three weeks and still have not unpacked. I have three black suitcases sitting on the floor next to my closet. They stare at me everyday and say, “Open us! Get over it already.” Those three black bags contain my life for the past year and a half. Clothes, shoes, pictures, music, books, artwork, gifts, little cards...everything. Those practical and sentimental objects have been waiting patiently to come out of the dark.

Why have I put off opening those bags? They are just things. What am I afraid of? Today I told myself today was the day. Today I will unpack. But instead, those three bags are still full, sitting next to me, staring at me. Instead, I am sitting at my computer crying. I’m not going to lie, I’m listening to Adele. She is not helping but she’s right, “Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.”

For those of you who know me, you know my story. For those of you who don’t know me, I have a secret. I didn’t just move to Europe because I’m a bad ass and wanted to live my European dream. Well that was only part of it. I fell in love and I fell hard. I moved to Europe to start a life with a wonderful German man. A month ago, that wonderful man cheated on me. My heart died. It was more than broken, it was lifeless, numb and well just...dead. A year and a half ago I moved across the world, sold all of my things and said goodbye to my friends and family because I believed in love. Maybe I feel as if my heart died because that belief is gone now.

In a blink of an eye, my life changed. I broke up with that wonderful man, quit my job and booked a one-way flight back to LA. I said goodbye to all of my German friends and family including his 7-year-old son. Let me rephrase that, I had to say goodbye to our son. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my entire life.

Now I am here in California...in tears...sitting next to three full suitcases that I can't open. At least not yet. It hurts too much. They still smell like the laundry detergent from Germany. It still makes me cry to see a life that didn’t work out. A life I had so much hope for.

But now it’s time for me. At least that’s what my friends have been telling me. It’s my time now. Time to find myself again. Time to find out what the hell I’m going to do with my life. Time to rebuild. Time to find my passion. Time to find my purpose...whatever that may be.

To my German friends and family, thank you for helping me and teaching me about your culture. Thank you for making me feel at home. I love you and I will never forget you.

To my American friends and family, thank you for welcoming me back with open arms. Thank you for listening. Thank you for hugging me tight when you see the tears start to roll down my face. Thank you for the encouraging words. I love you guys. Maybe you are right. Maybe now is my time...

"How was Amsterdam?"

My dad and stepmom are coming to visit this summer. It's their first trip to Europe so they have been asking about places to go. My stepmom asked about Paris and Rome. My dad asked about Amsterdam.

"How was Amsterdam? Did you see any windmills?" my dad asked.

"Um no, but I saw a lot of hookers and weed," I replied.

"Oh, that sounds great!" he said as he laughed so hard he struggled for air.

(Before I continue, let me tell you about my dad. I call him Bill. Bill is a business man, a Republican and a golfer. He's a business suit during the week and khaki pants on the weekend type of guy. I think I have seen him drink two times and have only heard him swear when he stubs his toe. It's kind of funny. He jumps around and turns red.)

Anyway, it is completely natural for my stepmom to ask about Paris and Rome. But why would Bill ask about Amsterdam? I'll tell you why...because Bill wants to party.

They asked me to email them a list of things to do and places to go.

This was my email to my dad:



Hi Bill,

As requested, I made a list for you of things to do and see in Amsterdam. I hope you like it.

This is Bill's "How to party and not get arrested in A'dam" List:



1. Visit a coffeeshop.
I'm not talking Starbucks, kid. This is where you go to get high. Go to the Greenhouse. There's a bunch of closet hippies there just like yourself. Remember, almost everything is legal in Amsterdam so have fun. And don't worry, you're not going to be "the old guy." There were people in their mid 20's to mid 70's there. I even saw some puffy white hair at one table. I suggest you make some friends at the coffeeshop then go for a scavengure hunt for this wall. I promise this bird will speak to you with a British accent.

2. Check out a smartshop.
This is not a book store. Think of it more like a gift and garden shop. They sell gifts, magic mushrooms from all over the world and kits to grow...plants. You know what I'm talking about Bill. You went through the 70's.

3. Steal a bike.
There are plenty to choose from and it's the best way to see the city. I like the yellow one. (On second thought, this might be one of the few things that's actually illegal in Holland. So, scratch that.)

4. Find a sex shop.
They are all over the place. The best one's are the gay sex shops. It's amazing what they can do with leather. You'll stand there and think, "Whoa, where does that go?" (Sorry Bill, they wouldn't let me take pictures in the gay leather sex shop for you. You'll just have to settle for a photo the creative condom shop. Check out the condom on the bottom with the spikes. Winner!)

5. High 5 a hooker.
It's €50 for 15 minutes of High 5's...or anything else you want to do, like playing Scrabble or whatever. Or you can just walk around the district and window shop. I took an "under cover" Red Light District tour. It was fantastic. I learned all about the prostitution business and where to find the live sex shows. I'm an A'dam hooker specialist now thanks to this tour. If you want to be a hooker specialist too, check out randyroysredlightdistricttours.com. It's a good time.

6. Don't forget to eat.
Waffles from a vending machine are always interesting. But if you want real food, the Indonesian food was really good. Go to Kantjil & de Tijger. Yelp it: http://www.yelp.com/biz/kantjil-and-de-tijger-amsterdam

7. Find a good place to sleep.
After all the Scrabble action, you're going to need your beauty sleep Bill. I suggest a bed and breakfast. Check amsterdam-bed-and-breakfasts.com and weekendhotel.nl for the best ones. Look for places in the Centrum. Then everything is walking distance and you won't have to steal any bikes.

Well, that's it for now Bill. If I think if anything else, I'll let you know. Have fun...sinner. Love you!

Xoxo,
Your kid



**I will have my dad keep track where they go and what they do. Then I'll have him make his own list. Ha! I'll keep you guys posted.

"Loca People" a.k.a. The WTF Song

I love all types of music. I especially love songs that talk about Spain and calling Johnny. Thank you French radio station for introducing this song to me today. The lyrics are brilliant.
*Side note: Mom, I don't think you are going to like this one.

Really?

Dear Singapore Airlines,
I'm looking for a flight from Frankfurt to LA for a summer trip back home. I noticed you had a special offer on an economy flight. It was only €18,098. That's about $25,000 for one flight. I'm loaded so that sounds reasonable.

I made a list of things I would like included in that price:

1. I get to hang out with the pilot and then fly the plane.
2. Free drinks...for the whole 33 hours and 55 minutes.
3. A fire dancer show will take place in First Class followed by a live band.
4. Hookers and cookies for everyone!
5. I get to inflate a life vest whenever I want. And blow the whistle.
6. I get to parachute out of the back of the plane.


Thanks and see you in June,
Sar

P.S. How much would it be to upgrade to first class? I want to get a good seat for the fire show.

We're not assholes, I promise.

So where do I begin?
Let's start with the current events.

Two days ago, our 7 year old and I were watching the morning news. There were live videos of Americans in NY and Washington D.C. yelling and chanting. Some were holding flags. Some were holding signs. Some were singing. The first question that came from our 7 year old was, " Wow, what's happening in America? Did they win a big game?" The only way I could answer that was, "Yeah, you could say that." Then he read the headline, "Bin Laden Dead." The next question was, "Why are they happy someone died?"

I sat there for a minute in silence wondering how I was going to explain that to a 7 year old. Then I sat there for another minute wondering how I was going to explain that to my European friends without sounding like an asshole.

So here it goes. Let's start with the American culture. Americans are patriotic and emotional and we are not afraid to show it. Patriotism is promoted and encouraged in the United States. It is also socially acceptable to show how you feel. The only time the Europeans are allowed to be patriotic and emotional is if their football team makes it to the World Cup finals. Really, that is the only time you will see national flags over here.

Please remember our past. Everyone has experienced a death but not everyone had experienced tragedy. New York and Washington D.C. have experienced tragedy. Even if you were not living in one of these cities, your life as an American was affected. Our lives changed. It was a very sad and uncertain time. Everyone knew someone in NY or DC who's mother, father, brother, sister or friend died in the attacks. Everyone knew someone who was getting sent off to the Middle East to fight. We were afraid to travel and security procedures became a pain in the ass. We were afraid of a military draft and color coded security alerts. Just like a good horror movie, the scariest part was the anticipation of what was going to happen next. We were all left wondering what would really happen next?

So what did happen? Two presidents and two wars later, the promise was kept to the Americans that Bin Laden would be found. That's why we were celebrating. The promise was kept.

A part of me is happy Bin Laden is gone and I want to sing, "America, fuck yeah!" There is another part of me that sad because it brings back the painful memories of our past. And then there is a part of me that worries and wonders what will happen next?

Oh yeah...and to my European friends, we're really not assholes. I promise.

Richard comes to Germany!

 3 pm: Richard and Tommy go to the carnival parade.

4 pm: Richard finds some fake Mexicans.

5 pm: Richard high fives the Easter Bunny.

6 pm: Richard does some shots with the Mayor.

8 pm: Richard is down. Jet lag is a bitch. Haha!

I had to take my sister (I call her Richard) back to the airport today. Richard was here visiting me for the last week and it has been a riot. Hanging with her is always an adventure and I have not laughed that hard in a while. I miss her. It was hard to say goodbye and I didn't think I would be this sad, but I am. Honestly, I have been in tears since I hugged and kissed her goodbye this morning.

I thought maybe if I wrote about the funny things that happened I wouldn't be so sad. So I made a list of the top 10 Richard quotes from this trip:

1. "Dude, how do you open this window?.....Oh shit, did I break it?....Sorry man." (The windows here have weird handles on them and open like a refrigerator door.)

2. "Where in the hell is the light switch? I can't find it."...as she slaps the bathroom walls in the dark. (The light switches are on the outside of the rooms here.)

3. "I have to pay 50 cents to use the public bathroom? Dude, can the bathroom lady break a 20? I gotta pee."

4. "They don't have toilet seat covers or paper towels in the restrooms? Well maybe that's just a California thing. They don't have toilet seat covers in Wisconsin either."

5. "Did they just ask if I wanted mayonnaise on my fries? Hell yeah! How do you say that in German?"

6. "It's legal to drink in the streets!? For real? Dang, let's pack some beer next time. Or we can tailgate at the grocery store, bump some music and call it a good time."

7. "That pretzel is bigger than my head."

8. "You guys hall ass over here." -talking about driving on the Autobahn.

9. "What is going on? I don't understand. Everyone is drunk in the street and it's only 3 pm." - at the street parade.

10. "I have no idea what he is saying so I am just going to smile and say, 'Ja'." - as she smiles and nods to the German guy who is trying to buy her a drink.

Thanks for a great time Richard. I love you man. I miss you already.

Love,
Tommy

Happy Valentines Day...or not?

I took this picture in Munich. Kissing, Ja! Smoking, No!

Today I would like to inform you about some bullshit that's going on over here. They don't celebrate Valentine's Day in Germany. Supposedly it's an American holiday. That's right...there aren't any glittery heart shaped cards or heart shaped cookies with pink frosting. (They don't even know what frosting is!) AND...You can forget about getting flowers, chocolate or even a good bottle of wine. Even a romantic dinner in an over crowded restaurant is crazy talk. THAT is some bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit...the end.

P.S. Happy Valentine's Day to the Americans. And a happy normal Monday to the Germans.

P.P.S. To my German girls: It's time to start the Valentine's Day revolution. I need some damn chocolate and some new crotchless panties. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

Yay for Naked Day!

Today my German boy asked me if I would like to visit, "The Sauna." My reply was, "Hell yeah, I have been freezing my balls off over here. Let's do it."

So coming from California I expected something like a day spa. Maybe like a Glen Ivy or a Burke Williams. You know the type of place where you walk around in bathing suits and go from the jacuzzi to the sauna, to the shower and back. I was expecting a drink some herbal tea and put cucumbers on my eyes kind of day. The one thing I forgot, I wasn't in California.

As we arrived to the day spa we were given robes and led into a unisex locker room. We changed into our robes and walked into the day spa area. Butt cheeks and hairy balls were everywhere. It was like a naked Disneyland. There were two floors of different types of saunas, steam rooms, salt rooms, aromatherapy rooms, sleep rooms and jacuzzis. There was a bar and restaurant as well as an upper patio deck and outside swimming pools.

We walked outside (it was 30 degrees today) to see the pool and the other saunas. Men and women of all ages were frolicking about...butt ass naked. Some were swimming in the pool. Some were in the jacuzzi. Some were walking to little wood cabin saunas around the pool. Some were on the upper patio deck drinking beer. The only words that came from my mouth were, "You gotta be fucking kidding me."

So just like everyone else, I hung my robe and went for it. I could not believe I was walking outside in 30 degree weather in the nude. I jumped in the pool and screamed when my skin touched the water. (I don't think you're supposed to scream when people are naked. It's alarming.) My German boy just laughed and held me. My nipples could cut glass but it was liberating. It was actually really nice to swim and walk around in the nude without anyone caring and without getting a ticket. I wondered why we didn't have places like that in the States. I think Americans would love it. I did.
 
P.S. This is interesting: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sauna

Insight #2: Remember to wear your good underwear.

I had my first doctor's appointment this week. (Mom if you're reading this, I'm fine...and no, I didn't get knocked up.) I just went to get my annual girl check up. You know, the annual pee in a cup, step on the scale, let's check your blood pressure, scoot down further, this is going to be a little cold, wow that's a lot of lube day.

Well the doctors do things a little bit different here. There was no peeing in a cup or stepping on a scale. There wasn't a nice wax paper covered bed or a flowered hospital gown to put on. I was just asked to come in and sit on this dentist looking chair without the bottom leg rest part. All I was thinking was, "Ok, how is this going to work?"

As I sat in the chair, the nurse took my blood pressure and the doctor began to ask me the normal questions.

The doctor: Why are you here? Do you have any health problems?

Me: No, I don't have any health problems. I am just here for my annual lube day.

The doctor: (Blinked a couple of times and stared at the clipboard.)

Me: I was just joking. I need the annual Pap and some pills.

The doctor: Oh ok...then go ahead and take off your clothes.

Me: Ok. Right now?

The doctor: Yes.

Me: Ummmm...now? (I stood up and was still waiting for the doctor and nurse to leave the room so I could change, put on the hospital gown and cover up with a sheet. They weren't budging.)

The doctor: Yes, you can take off your pants off first. Then your shirt.

Me: Well you could at least take me to dinner first.

The doctor: You are hungry?

Me: No. I was joking. Ok, I'll take my clothes off now.

So there I was...exposed. No hospital gown. No little blanket. Not even a comforting sheet or a piece of wax paper. It was just me, the doctor, the nurse and the lube. They were professional and respectful. I just felt weird being balls out in front of them. But had to remember where I was and that was normal for them.

I sat back down on the chair and waited for the doctor to pull up a stool too. I heard a soft buzzing noise and realized my weird dentist chair was being raised up. The doctor still didn't have a stool. My chair kept going higher and higher until my nana was at eye level with the doctor. So not only was I butt naked but I was also six feet in the air. All I could do was laugh.

I left the doctor's office still laughing and thinking, "Whoa, that's one I have to write about." I can honestly say that was my first experience of culture shock. I know Europe is more liberal but I didn't see that one coming. Later I started to wonder if I was modest or if I was just American.